My Bloody Valentine (2009).

* * * * * spoilers ahoy * * * * *

"She left with that nice Tom Hanniger."

Alright, slasher movies. What can I possibly say? This one ain't all that great, as much as I'd love to promote everything Jensen Ackles ever starred in as genius cinema.

Apparently, this movie's about.. wait, do I really need to tell you what it's about? There are gruesome deaths and Jensen Ackles breathes heavily through a mask. A lot.

The opening montage was interesting enough, I guess, but it all went downhill from there. I totally missed the fact that the first part of the movie happens '10 years ago' and was kind of disappointed with how things went. Jensen Ackles' character (..Tom? Is his name Tom?) has a horrible dress sense and as every slasher movie out there, My Bloody Valentine.. -sigh- also has buckets of blood. However, there was one conclusion I reached pretty early in the movie: horrible dress sense + hotness (no, these two don't eliminate one another.. if you knew Jensen Ackles, you'd get it) = serial killer. Seriously, the ending didn't come as any sort of surprise - if the end shocked you, just take Slasher 101 again - preferably before getting pickax'd in the head (this movie's preferred M.O.).

Another thing I'm absolutely certain of after seeing this movie is that Jensen Ackles (from here on referred to as Mr Hot) will pretty much always be defined by his role as Dean Winchester (from WB hit show Supernatural, what planet are you from?!), no matter what he's in - as Dean, he's pretty rough, but when his puppy eyes hit.. boy, do they hit or what (that's how you tell it's a really emotional episode: Dean woobies). Anyway, the point is, he's not known for being soft and vulnerable-looking 24/7 - which is exactly what Tom Hanniger is. I mean, this is mostly coming from a fan who's used to Dean Winchester's ways, but Tom Hanniger just manages to a) look confused/pensive and unhappy a lot; and b) go completely batshit when pissed off.

Having complained about how Tom Hanniger will never live up to the ideal Dean Winchester created, maybe I should try and come up with some positive points? Alright, alright. I can do positive. I think.
Okay, I got one: the scene with Mr Hot getting a room at midget lady's motel (anybody else thought she was awesome? :D). And the part with the bimbo-next-door running after the dude she had sex with.. naked.. with a gun.. outside. Around that scene, I was kinda wondering if Mr Hot approved of all this or if all the noise was just making him even unhappier.. then the truck driver dude got the ol' pickaxe to the head (ouch!) curtesy of Scary Miner Man. Scary Miner Man then proceeds to kill midget lady and the blonde chick who still hadn't put any sort of clothes on. I may have to watch this movie again. Just to keep a tally of the deaths (how many there are and how they happen).
Afterwards, the sheriff gets a valentine (-singsong- the sheriff got a valentine, the sheriff got a valentine), and it's a yummy heart! That's pretty much how they figure out that some dude who died 10 years ago came back for more action. I'm not sure exactly how their brains are wired but c'mon..

Interesting stuff does happen when Mr Hot goes down into the mine (supposedly to let them know that he wasn't firing their sorry asses). The supposed killer supposedly locks Mr Hot in a cage and then kills the man that brought Mr Hot down there, and Mr Hot basically has to watch.
Needless to say, it turns out that Mr Hot 'did it'. The blonde bimbo, trucker and motel lady; the miner dude and the.. uh, mine director?; the love of his life's maid and the sheriff's pregnant mistress; and almost the sheriff and his wife (who happens to be the love of Mr Hot's life, from 10 years ago). He's behind all that.

Overall, pretty alright movie. Not great.. average. What it needed was a less obvious plot and 'twist', and more stuff happening (or an ending I didn't see coming a mile away).

What I liked - Jensen Ackles, do you need to ask? He's pretty much the movie's sole redeeming point (in my eyes). Thankfully, they actually got someone who can act to play the part of the deranged hot dude with a pickaxe.
Whoever played Sarah (sheriff's wife) - she was disappointing, with a horribly bland performance and character. The scene down in the mine, where she loses it and points the gun at both her husband and Mr Hot, really bothered me. Not because she actually showed (God forbid!) strong emotions, but because in contrast to the way she'd acted throughout the movie, that part seemed fake.
The sheriff seemed conflicted and unhappy, but that was to be expected - at the beginning of the movie, his mistress just told him she was pregnant by him.. and then she dies. His maid also dies, and then he realises that he really truly does love his wife (despite the fact that she's loved Mr Hot all along, apparently) and they both almost die. Even so, I didn't think he'd earned the right to be a douche for 95% of the movie.

..and the end credits theme was kinda cool.
That's about it.

Plot --- typical slasher movie, doesn't bring anything new to the genre --- 5/10
Visuals --- when the visuals aren't shots of Mr Hot standing and looking over the mine and looking thoughtful, they manage to be disturbing, gruesome, and gritty; one redeeming point among very few --- 8/10
Sound --- I thought the score was inappropriate/ridiculous at a couple of points, but it was overall average --- 6/10
Acting --- I'd rate this a 10/10 for Jensen Ackles' heavy breathing and the orgasm faces he pulls in the flashback scenes (when he takes the miner mask off after commiting murder), but he's not enough to make me forget everybody else's lame performance --- 5/10